Waiting Room-Fugazi

...so many songs i have written deal with defeat, loneliness and the dark demons of our inner lives...i write what i know, mostly...stories i have heard from friends, my own life experiences and the things that inspire me are usually more on the darker side of the colour wheel...

...so after the new year and all the talk about resolutions and fresh starts and the new decade buzz, i was left feeling stuck. i fully had the desire to make changes and stretch my proverbial wings, and that desire hasn't waned...however, there was a Sword of Damocles situation happening in my world...

...as with just about every single change we want to make in our lives we first and foremost have to be able to afford it...emotionally, can we handle this new burden? physically, do we have time, energy and the ability to see it through? financially, we are thwarted at almost every turn with the price tag...and i was emotionally and physically ready to embark on this new path, but i couldn't pay for it...

...as with every other restaurant in the world, January and February are rather slow times...after the holidays people are broke and playing catch-up with their bills and do not have spending cash to blow on non-essentials like eating out and tipping big...so i am indirectly in the same boat...playing catch-up with nothing to add to the pot, because i am barely affording the day-to-day...enter the depression...

...i had over-extended myself with holiday shopping and celebrations, so i was poised for a period of catch-up, but it was far worse than i had thought...not to say that i have caught up, but i did have a little victory yesterday...i don't feel it is necessary to divulge the details and i have a few more bills and such to catch-up on, but the biggest headache has receded and the wall i must climb, now has sturdy stairs...i can see the other side...

...i propose waiting until February first to start "new years resolutions", at least for me...now the the dragon is slayed and some relief has occurred i feel that i can tackle some new challenges without worrying about the day-to-day so much...so from the waiting room i emerge and am fully ready to embrace what lies beyond this threshold...

...so thank you to Fugazi for penning such a great song about the time spent waiting for the shoe to drop...thankfully, i now can move on....

All Right-Amy Grant

...looking out, to the hills to the setting sun...i feel a cold wind, bound to come...another change, another end i cannot see...

...this day...the beginning of a new year, a new decade...i will eat my black-eyed peas for good luck...i am bringing with me some baggage from last year, from last decade, but i am also bringing hope for better...i am starting design school this month...since Christmas is over, it's back to the budget and saving and paying off debt...wishes for Vegas, and love, and success, and new shoes abound...

...i am just glad i made it through 2009 in one piece...for many of the people in my family it was a trying and terrible year...a 20% better year, as my sister requested, would be lovely...i have destroying life, and breaking hearts down pat...from here on out i plan to encourage life and cherish hearts...

...after all these years of knockin' on heaven's door...

Nice To Meet You, Anyway-Gavin DeGraw

...i am missing my keyboard tonight...i am missing being able to work it out in the words of a new song...to pound out my frustrations in the black and white confines of 88 keys...and since the chord or the keyboard itself gave up the ghost...i must rely on the divine inspiration of my fellow singer/songwriters...i have to cull from their collective works, the one song that is my emotional reflection...

...tonight, confronted with my own humility and being in a sort of limbo...emotionally, financially...sane battles insane and my life is spoil...i walked headlong into a "well-wish" from someone i was content to never endure again...confronted by past mistakes and mis-steps...i stood there on the precipice and took a life-saving step...

...thought i'd crumble?...so did i...do i...but i just found someone special...and that's really something special...if you knew me...

the special person i found is...(groan)...me...
me without a "best friend"...a partner in figurative or literal crime...a lover...a daily phone call...a burden...another bill...a drain...i only have me to contend with...and i am finding that a difficult enough task...

...so before i give in completely to the devil in disguise...i am going to buckle down, commit and give this new relationship a fighting chance...

...i have never fully known myself...these ways i insulated myself, usually through friends/lovers, etc...i kept that still small voice drowned out and my friends were more than happy to turn up the hi-fi...blaming no one else however...they all blossomed and flourished and found "it" and sold it to the highest bidder and are reaping the benefits...but me, a misfit, withered on the vine...i think i am like one of those plants that's better root-bound and does better in a pot all by itself...but look at it's growth and luster and shine...but i just found someone special...nice to meet you, anyway...

Walkaways-Counting Crows

...i think it's because i'm tired...maybe it's because i am lonely sometimes...maybe it's because i am depressed, and wish i could articulate it...she said all of this and more without a word...sometimes it's best just to walkaway, my dear...

Inbetween Days-The Cure

...after getting off the phone from a marathon chat-fest with an old friend...well he's younger than i am, but you get my drift...i watched a little t.v. and surfed the net and enjoyed the silence and then tried to drift off to sleep...but the silence kept me up...

...i began to think back on my day and my mind wondered to tomorrow...the 27th is Brenda's...and Gwen's...and Jason's birthdays...the 29th is Dallas'...oh snap...New Year's Eve...which led me into some fantasy about finally being thin...for once in my life...oh the twisted roads we take in our minds sometimes...

...but that thought goaded me out of bed and provoked me greatly...yesterday i got so old...we are guaranteed nothing...not a tomorrow nor to remember our past...we only have today...what a liberating and invigorating thought...scary as that is...

...so take this weight off of me...literally and figuratively...the past is done and i cannot change a single thing...i remember sitting in my room, Gwen and I, talking about how we loved that Eddie Money song, "I Wanna Go Back"...but that would be too dire and hopeless...the future is full of chances for failure as well as successes, variables out of my control as well as devices of my own making...again, too harsh a spell to cast...today...right now...is all i have...if i want to envision a better tomorrow and have a few lovely stories to tell i need to live today the way i need to...

...so to Brenda, Gwen, Jason and Dallas too...happy birthday...today is your day, but i'm coming along for the ride, because it's my day too, dammit...

Life In A Northern Town-Dream Acadamy

...survived Christmas...enjoyed it mostly...there were little earthquakes...good year for hunters and Christmas parties...but it was fun...

...watching the kids open gifts was one of the best parts...such excitement...and the food...so much food...i am stuffed and regretting most of what i ate...not because of heartburn or bad taste...simply that i hope my clothes fit me tomorrow...

...now that the Christmas season is over...and we have New Years Eve/Day looming large...i am reminded that this week-for me at least-has always been a sort of limbo...looking forward/looking back...nostalgia and hope for the future co-exist for one solid week, every year...

...never been one for New Year's resolutions...but i do have plans...hopes...dreams...i plan to go back to Vegas...i plan to start school...i hope i can lose some weight...i hope i get some bills paid off and a better job...i dream that i finish my music project and something good comes from that...yes, all of those plans, hopes and dreams revolve around me and my happiness...i think that after all the goodwill and shopping, with others in mind, meeting the looming-largeness of the New Year always seems to send me into this self-comfort cycle...forgiving myself for wasted time and planning to do something positive with the time i have left...letting go of what i can't get back and reminding myself of the good i have done and that saving money and affording quality takes quantities of time...bandaging the parts broken along with each of my broken dreams and inventing new versions of those broken...

...so tomorrow it's back to work...back to reality...back to life in this snowed-in northern town...looking forward to New Year's Day...looking forward to tax-returns...and the first beautiful life-affirming signs of Spring...

All Alone On Christmas-Darlene Love

...tradition...for as long as i can remember...we have gathered around the tree on Christmas Eve...after people go to church and before they go out looking at Christmas lights...we gather and each open up one gift...a tradition that began as little kids...unable to wait until Christmas morning we were allowed to open one gift...

...now thirty-some years later our family continues the tradition with the little one's in tow now...it is like a little taste of what madness there will be tomorrow...such fun...i made a huge spread...buffet style...pizza, cookies, punch, lil' smokies, cheesecake and cheese and crackers...basically junk food and gifts with the family...how could anyone say no to that?...good thing we all love each other so much, eh?

...reminding every one...if you are lucky enough to have all of your family under one roof to enjoy it...and if any one is away i am sending you love and wishes of "Baby, please come home...."