All Right-Amy Grant

...looking out, to the hills to the setting sun...i feel a cold wind, bound to come...another change, another end i cannot see...

...this day...the beginning of a new year, a new decade...i will eat my black-eyed peas for good luck...i am bringing with me some baggage from last year, from last decade, but i am also bringing hope for better...i am starting design school this month...since Christmas is over, it's back to the budget and saving and paying off debt...wishes for Vegas, and love, and success, and new shoes abound...

...i am just glad i made it through 2009 in one piece...for many of the people in my family it was a trying and terrible year...a 20% better year, as my sister requested, would be lovely...i have destroying life, and breaking hearts down pat...from here on out i plan to encourage life and cherish hearts...

...after all these years of knockin' on heaven's door...

Nice To Meet You, Anyway-Gavin DeGraw

...i am missing my keyboard tonight...i am missing being able to work it out in the words of a new song...to pound out my frustrations in the black and white confines of 88 keys...and since the chord or the keyboard itself gave up the ghost...i must rely on the divine inspiration of my fellow singer/songwriters...i have to cull from their collective works, the one song that is my emotional reflection...

...tonight, confronted with my own humility and being in a sort of limbo...emotionally, financially...sane battles insane and my life is spoil...i walked headlong into a "well-wish" from someone i was content to never endure again...confronted by past mistakes and mis-steps...i stood there on the precipice and took a life-saving step...

...thought i'd crumble?...so did i...do i...but i just found someone special...and that's really something special...if you knew me...

the special person i found is...(groan)...me...
me without a "best friend"...a partner in figurative or literal crime...a lover...a daily phone call...a burden...another bill...a drain...i only have me to contend with...and i am finding that a difficult enough task...

...so before i give in completely to the devil in disguise...i am going to buckle down, commit and give this new relationship a fighting chance...

...i have never fully known myself...these ways i insulated myself, usually through friends/lovers, etc...i kept that still small voice drowned out and my friends were more than happy to turn up the hi-fi...blaming no one else however...they all blossomed and flourished and found "it" and sold it to the highest bidder and are reaping the benefits...but me, a misfit, withered on the vine...i think i am like one of those plants that's better root-bound and does better in a pot all by itself...but look at it's growth and luster and shine...but i just found someone special...nice to meet you, anyway...

Walkaways-Counting Crows

...i think it's because i'm tired...maybe it's because i am lonely sometimes...maybe it's because i am depressed, and wish i could articulate it...she said all of this and more without a word...sometimes it's best just to walkaway, my dear...

Inbetween Days-The Cure

...after getting off the phone from a marathon chat-fest with an old friend...well he's younger than i am, but you get my drift...i watched a little t.v. and surfed the net and enjoyed the silence and then tried to drift off to sleep...but the silence kept me up...

...i began to think back on my day and my mind wondered to tomorrow...the 27th is Brenda's...and Gwen's...and Jason's birthdays...the 29th is Dallas'...oh snap...New Year's Eve...which led me into some fantasy about finally being thin...for once in my life...oh the twisted roads we take in our minds sometimes...

...but that thought goaded me out of bed and provoked me greatly...yesterday i got so old...we are guaranteed nothing...not a tomorrow nor to remember our past...we only have today...what a liberating and invigorating thought...scary as that is...

...so take this weight off of me...literally and figuratively...the past is done and i cannot change a single thing...i remember sitting in my room, Gwen and I, talking about how we loved that Eddie Money song, "I Wanna Go Back"...but that would be too dire and hopeless...the future is full of chances for failure as well as successes, variables out of my control as well as devices of my own making...again, too harsh a spell to cast...today...right now...is all i have...if i want to envision a better tomorrow and have a few lovely stories to tell i need to live today the way i need to...

...so to Brenda, Gwen, Jason and Dallas too...happy birthday...today is your day, but i'm coming along for the ride, because it's my day too, dammit...

Life In A Northern Town-Dream Acadamy

...survived Christmas...enjoyed it mostly...there were little earthquakes...good year for hunters and Christmas parties...but it was fun...

...watching the kids open gifts was one of the best parts...such excitement...and the food...so much food...i am stuffed and regretting most of what i ate...not because of heartburn or bad taste...simply that i hope my clothes fit me tomorrow...

...now that the Christmas season is over...and we have New Years Eve/Day looming large...i am reminded that this week-for me at least-has always been a sort of limbo...looking forward/looking back...nostalgia and hope for the future co-exist for one solid week, every year...

...never been one for New Year's resolutions...but i do have plans...hopes...dreams...i plan to go back to Vegas...i plan to start school...i hope i can lose some weight...i hope i get some bills paid off and a better job...i dream that i finish my music project and something good comes from that...yes, all of those plans, hopes and dreams revolve around me and my happiness...i think that after all the goodwill and shopping, with others in mind, meeting the looming-largeness of the New Year always seems to send me into this self-comfort cycle...forgiving myself for wasted time and planning to do something positive with the time i have left...letting go of what i can't get back and reminding myself of the good i have done and that saving money and affording quality takes quantities of time...bandaging the parts broken along with each of my broken dreams and inventing new versions of those broken...

...so tomorrow it's back to work...back to reality...back to life in this snowed-in northern town...looking forward to New Year's Day...looking forward to tax-returns...and the first beautiful life-affirming signs of Spring...

All Alone On Christmas-Darlene Love

...tradition...for as long as i can remember...we have gathered around the tree on Christmas Eve...after people go to church and before they go out looking at Christmas lights...we gather and each open up one gift...a tradition that began as little kids...unable to wait until Christmas morning we were allowed to open one gift...

...now thirty-some years later our family continues the tradition with the little one's in tow now...it is like a little taste of what madness there will be tomorrow...such fun...i made a huge spread...buffet style...pizza, cookies, punch, lil' smokies, cheesecake and cheese and crackers...basically junk food and gifts with the family...how could anyone say no to that?...good thing we all love each other so much, eh?

...reminding every one...if you are lucky enough to have all of your family under one roof to enjoy it...and if any one is away i am sending you love and wishes of "Baby, please come home...."

Toast-Tori Amos

...thinking of those who have passed this year...from our beloved Michael Jackson to my dear friend Alan...the decade has flown by...so much has changed and this year is the proverbial nail in the coffin of the 00's...i recall when the 80's ended...People Magazine retrospective collector's editions...Mention in George Michael's "Waiting On That Day"...now every body's talkin' about this new decade...like you say the magic number and just say goodbye to the stupid mistakes you've made..." Mention in Jesus Jones' "Right Here, Right Now"..."i saw the decade in, when it seemed the world could change in the blink of an eye..." Mentioned in the late 80's classic by Escape Club "Wild Wild West"..."headin' for the 90's, living in the wild wild west..." as well.

...a similar sense of "anything could happen" when the 90's became the 00's...for one the Century turned...then there was the Y2K nonsense to contend with as well...fast forward to 2009...as of yet we Americans have not figured out what to collectively call the decade...some opt for Aughts, some the "O's"...i generally say the two thousands...seems i had forgotten the decade was changing..."i saw the decade in, when it seemed the world could change in the blink of an eye..." Deep.

...so to Alan and other friends and family members who have passed in the last 20 years or so...to those famous or infamous that have inspired me who have gone too soon...i raise a glass, make a toast, a toast in your honor...i hear you laugh and beg me not to dance...'cause on your right...standing by... is Mr. Bojangles with a toast...is telling me it's time to let you go...

...i have wasted the better part of this decade on frivolous pursuits...so even in the passing i am still inspired...inspired to make this next decade (the "Teens?") a more creative, more positive and more memorable decade...i raise a glass...

Help Me-Joni Mitchell

...yeah, so Joni gets a lot of play on my mp3 player and on the radio in my head...tonight at work for about 3 hours i sang this song to myself and most likely loud enough to be heard by my tables and co-workers...it wasn't directed at anyone and after a while i began to ponder why...why was i stuck on this song? and then it hit me...the muzak wasn't on in the restaurant and so the radio in my head just played and replayed "Help Me" and since i sing along...i sang along...

...after the manager turned on the muzak i was singing along with random Christmas songs and Reo Speedwagon...all was right with the world again and the radio in my head let Joni go back into the vault...so tonight i thought i would share this wonderful song with my readers...just because i was bitching that "Help Me" was stuck in my head, doesn't mean i think it is a horrid song...in fact it is one of my favorite songs of all time...enjoy...

Praying For Time-George Michael

...taking a look at materialism...dissecting what this Christmas season means to me and my family...i was reminded of George Michael's "Praying For Time"..."charity is a coat you wear twice a year..." and how that relates to me...spending the last couple of weeks stressing out because it has been slow due to the weather which directly impacts my wallet and my gift-giving/buying abilities...and is this stress undue? foolish? self-inflicted? society's fault? a hall-mark holiday? the brain-child of Macy's? yes. sure. you betcha...so why do we do what we do? why do we go into debt each December? why do we find ourselves awake at 3am stressing out about coming up with enough money to afford Christmas? i can only speak for myself...

...for as long as i can remember Christmas has been a special time at our house...as i am sure it was in many people's homes...as my brothers and i grew older and got part-time jobs we began to get on board with the gift giving...it had never been a source of stress or one-up-man-ship...we were proud to be given the opportunity to get the perfect gift...not just because we spent a lot of money on said gift...or were able to make a dream come true...we gave with love and joy...and we bought gifts for Dad, Mom, James, Scott, Joseph, April, Autumn and Stanley...and as husbands and wives and nephews have joined the family...the Christmas list has become longer, but that's a beautiful thing to me...that is more people to attempt to bring a little joy to...

...now if our joy is solely derived from what we get we will be disappointed...every time...honestly, everyone in my family asks for something for Christmas...plane tickets, exercise equipment, clothes, a computer, help with a bill or a puppy...still haven't got that puppy, but i never walk away from Christmas feeling empty or wishing i hadn't wasted all that money...i am full of joy...i just got to spend time with my family and watch them forget about the ugly and dwell for a few hours on the lovely...and i cherish the gifts given to me...from the Vegas ashtray...to the beautiful framed picture of horses that Katie photographed and framed for me...a silk Elton John tour shirt from my brother and mother...

Every time i look at that 6.00 ashtray i think of my dear friend...and how i love her...and how she picked that up for me...just for me...for me...and as a human that makes me feel good and warm and loved...in as much as the biggest ticket item i have ever gotten from Santa was well-loved and cherished and well-used but doesn't come to mind as quick as the 6.00 ashtray...a gift from the heart is always best...

...so with that thought in mind i try to approach the gift giving part of the holiday season...i try to concentrate on that person and what makes them tick...what they long for...what they need...what they cherish...do i always get the right gift? do i always "nail it"? no. probably not....but i try and i have fun in the attempt and know in my heart of hearts that it isn't so much the gift but the love it was purchased with or made with...

...said all that to say this...Christmas is not just about the gifts...in fact, historically it has been evolving and we modern day Americans would not recognize Christmas 150 years ago...Protestant churches did not have Christmas services...didn't celebrate Christmas...it was a largely Catholic celebration...Rudolph was invented by an ad man at Macy's...and when people say Christmas is about Jesus' birth...i have to laugh because Jesus was born in the spring...Christmas is like just about anything else in the world...it's about what we make it about...if you want to volunteer in a soup kitchen...good for you...if you want to sing in the choir on Christmas day...lovely...if you want to buy the biggest and best of everything because you want to surprise the family you love...great...if you want to bake for days and days and bring lovely sugar-filled treats into the homes of the people you care about...may i please have some...if you want to sit in a dark room and eat Chef Boyardee and watch MTV...have at you...we are Americans...and Christmas as we know it today is a an American holiday...we use the collective last 2 weeks of December to celebrate and thank God for the birth of Jesus...we use it to remember the miracle of the oil that saved the Jews, during Hanukkah...we buy/make/wrap/transport gifts to our friends and family...to bring cheer and love as another year ends and another begins...

...did i spend to much? did i get what i really wanted to get for each person on my list? am i still biting my nails knowing that i need to still go and pick out a few more things, and i hope i find what i am looking for? yes...of course...do i wish money wasn't an issue? yes...but Christmas comes but once a year...and since i have to buy for many people maybe next year i will be wise and start buying gifts in January and buy 2 a month and then by next December i will be done and stress-free...doubtful plus the late-night Wal-Mart trips with Joseph are fun and i wouldn't trade Christmas for anything...well maybe Peace On Earth and Goodwill Towards Men...

In The Bleak Midwinter-Pierce Pettis

...this poem by Christina Rossetti set to music, has always been one of my favorite Holiday songs...I love the dark, minor chord setting...it hearkens back to the time of Wesley...the piety and reverent nature of the hymns from that time are full of dark beauty that is almost all but lost...that is why i still love "I will Arise and Go to Jesus" aka "Come Ye Sinners"...

...In The Bleak Midwinter, I Will Arise and Go To Jesus and many of the Christmas/holiday songs we sing are really just the Contemporary Christian Music of their time...set to folk tunes like Greensleeves, though even older than Midwinter, with lyrics of great piety and charged with the intention of spreading the Methodist Gospel...

...As a teenager i was loathe to sing many of the hymns in church...wishing we could sing Amy Grant songs...and although Amy, Michael W. Smith, Twila Paris, Petra and others did their part to pave the way for Christian Artists of today and shape what modern worship services have become...i think it would be a shame for the church to completely lose sight of where they came from...the language and sentence structure of these old songs seems stark and rigid compared to today's music, but therein lies the beauty...these songs were written during a time when soulful singing and individual style were frowned upon...but i have a theory...all art is inspired by God...we are given the abilities we have and foster a relationship with our souls when we create...just as Fanny Crosby was inspired to write hymns i believe Trent Reznor was inspired to write Head Like A Hole...and i believe this inspiration was divine...

...so naturally enjoy the gentle rollicking rhythm of Sleigh Ride and the call and response of Silver Bells...pick up the newest Christmas offering by your favorite artist and enjoy the holiday fully...but remember our history this holiday...as a music lover i love to use music as a sort of history book and even though we are writing history daily, it is always useful to look back and thank those who came before us for their contributions to our lives...

Drop The Pilot-Joan Armatrading

...this has been a month of up's and down's and i am left feeling sideways...i cannot fully articulate why this song and i have bonded so much over the course of the last few days...

...it is almost lecherous in tone...as Alanis Morissette says in "On The Tequila", "...the predator in me is put to shame by the predator in you..." I have used all these arguments and more in my pursuit...but I always left out the tag..."I'm the one you need..."

...i was satisfied to be wanted...needed is a whole other emotion...but it isn't negative per se...i have tried many new things this year...to moderate success...wildly greater than any level of success i had ever imagined would actually be...maybe it is time for some rearranging...

...animal, mineral, physical, spiritual...i'm the one you need...in my pursuits i have painted the picture...i have steered conversations...i have courted and sparked the interests...i have held up a standard to which i know "the pilot" could not live up to and then i became the mahout...instead of the easy rider i proclaimed to be...i became the elephant driver...a rudder...desperate in my attempts to get my way, because being trampled to death or sinking into the black of the sea are not options i care to entertain...i became the one who "needed"...but as i said that isn't such a bad thing...but it is when you are the parasite and the host knows the cure...

...i feel Joan was talking to someone much like me...

A Kiss On The Lips-Julie Miller

...julie being one of my musical heroes...she is in that emmylou harris, shawn colvin, patty griffin and buddy miller, julie's husband, group...nashville royalty...would love to work with julie one day...

...there's a crawlspace in my mind that i find...that is an amazingly true line...i find myself in that crawlspace too often...my own private panic room...i have to make some changes...

...some ugly truths were brought to light this week...it's so far, and i am too tired to walk, but i must go...this fire bubbling under is getting to hot to ignore and the doubt's are swirling around me like lava offering further incentive to get the hell out of this hell i am in...the fire burns hot...


for lyrics www.buddyandjulie.com/lyrics_bluepony.html

I Love Pop Music-Ben Lee

...sprinkle sugar through it...i love a heavily message-filled song...a real cry your eyes out time...most of my favorite songs and bands are those that make you feel...and most people looking through my music choices on this site and on my computer would think i prefer a sad song...that is true...however, i do love a good ditty every now and then...

Eleventh Hour Love Song-James R Waddell

...written several years ago...about a love of mine that always managed to keep me at arms length...oh the damage done...oh the crazy lengths i went to in an attempt to win him over fully...i could never find the right time to bring up my feelings regarding him/us/me...i was left an empty, used-up shell...this song was my musical expression of my last-ditch effort...it didn't work, and since we may never be in the same room again, i wish him well, and if he hears this song...know this was written during the throes and in no way reflects where i am at today...though the sentiment remains...love it while it's still around, otherwise you will lose it...

Not Your Year-The Weepies

...looking at a worried scene...

...the weepies always comfort me in such a strange way...like The Cure i know i should be depressed while listening to their music, but i am strangely comforted...as if knowing someone else in the world is feeling this weight too...it's enough to know...

...this has been a rather terrible week for me...you could not see it from the outside...this is all structural damage i am referring to...no amount of coffee, no amount of crying...it's in the accepting of life's limitations and the putting to bed the dreams every night and waking back up with them in the morning...knowing i can't afford to feed them...knowing that starving and helpless look in their eyes is the same reflected back from my eyes...

...the day in the day out...the affording my daily life while pinching pennies to just barely eek out this existence which is a far cry from what i truly want...i need a light here in this dark little corner...i need some fresh air cause i'm running out of breath...

...to put such stock in another human being seems like such a mistake to me...life has taught me not to trust people...i can barely even trust myself...but i do feel short-changed...i feel like i have been denied that chapter...like howard jones said in "No One Is To Blame", "You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin"...i have had my heart broken...i felt the abandon...i have felt all the darkness that love has to offer...where is my bright light...?

...i ramble on...i play the worlds smallest violin, and i play a siren song....perhaps, he will hear...

River-Joni Mitchell/Another Auld Lang Syne-Dan Folgerberg

...this song was front and center in my head tonight...so much so, that i pretty much sang it non-stop...i wish i had a river, i could skate away on...

...though not a typical Christmas song, it always gets more play during the holidays...i see it more as a companion piece to "Another Auld Lang Syne" by Dan Folgerberg...the holidays don't just conjure up memories and longings for cider, turkey, family and snow...it also brings up memories of loved ones past, defeats, rifts and lonely times...the holidays usher in a time of high suicide rates and bitterness...

...i think that's why Halloween is a preamble for the official "Holidays"...it reminds us to don our masks as gay apparel...this song and Dan's "Another..." reminds me that sometimes you can't hide and sometimes that's good...but still i wish i had a river i could skate away on...

Oh Yoko-John Lennon

...tomorrow I am planning to record a song, "11th Hour Love Song" which I wrote about a sort of last ditch effort to woo a suitor...but not just to get laid or satisfy a need...in this song I am imploring the recipient to "love it while it's still around..."

...during a text conversation with a friend tonight, we discussed John Lennon..."Gimme Some Truth" and "Oh Yoko" are my favorite songs by John Lennon...after texting that line, I was reminded of the purity of "Oh Yoko"...many people take Yoko to the mat in regards to The Beatles breaking up...I say it could be...Yoko could have been a catalyst...but John loved her...

...and that got me thinking about the song I want to record tomorrow...yes, it is a love song...tragic as it may be...but it doesn't speak to the kind of love song I would love to write...writers write what they know...so John wrote about his muse, Yoko...in "11th Hour Love Song", I wrote what I knew...that this relationship isn't going to make it, but I will make one last plea...I hope to one day write of the purity of love and not of the bitter almost-end...

...my love will turn you on...classic and poetic and it really does say it all...oh Yoko, you were blessed...

Love Is-Alanah Myles

...heaven to the lonely...i know loneliness and being blue have been a sort of theme on these pages...writers write what they know...and i know from lonely and blue...sure, there are funny happenings at work and conversations with friends and things that bring me to the highest heights...but the lonely blue outweighs the sky blue in terms of what makes me want to put pen to paper...

...this year has been an exercise in alone...we all love to get laid, go out on dates, admit that office crush...but the end result is what we all really need...love...been denied, been close, been fooled, been over it, been crushed beneath it...

...maybe it's because it's fall and it's cold outside and that makes me want someone to snuggle up with...maybe it's less romantic and more instinctual...a bone deep need to have a partner...maybe it's because the world tells me one, alone is no good...

...hopefully tomorrow will bring that sky blue that begs to be written about....for now, love is...heaven to the lonely...

Dead Flowers-Miranda Lambert

...swore i would wait until the words came...and Miranda's lovely words did come to me...I see so many past relationships dripping through this song...years of being useful instead of needed...months of highs while dancing dangerously close to the lows...too long spent being bitter when they didn't even know there was reason to be bitter...least of all that it was them who turned me inside out...when i finally say the words out loud it's too late and too much time with dirty water under a bridge i am burning in effigy...

...while i flirt with the idea of love and am in constant pursuit like a vulture in wait...this song reminds me of self-preservation that will keep me from drowning in someone else's wake ever again..."i guess we'll just go to waste"...you got me, Miranda. Bravo!!

Ray Of Light-Madonna/Sex Pistols

...ok so this is sort of bastardization no matter which artist you are a fan of...but this song really fit my mood...i feel like i just got home...all half-cocked and fueled up...wish i could transfer this energy to a positive project...cleaning, writing music, chores...but i sit and watch tv and try and decide what "have to" to put off first...

One Of Us-Prince

...what would you ask if you had just one question?...when Joan Osborne's version of this song was all over American radio I just hated the song...the words came out of her mouth with such disdain it made me uncomfortable...i have been often cynical with regard to Christianity but never with the idea of Spirituality...I was taught from the beginning to believe that there was more to this life than just what we can see...Years later when I heard Prince's version I was fully ready to receive this message...

...Prince captured a whole different level to this song...whereas Joan was bored with the idea by the end of the song...She tended to sound as if she didn't believe in God in the first place so the question was mute...Prince seems to be full-on emotionally exploring the idea of God being one us...then it hit me...

...there is a humanistic side to this song and that's what Prince stumbled upon whereas Joan just danced around it's philosophy...much like in Edie Brickell's What I Am in 1988, we are all expressions and faces of God...as we do our worst while wearing our best we are showing the true face of God...So God is just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way home...whatsoever you do to the least of these, you do unto me...

If God had a name, what would it beAnd would you call it to his faceIf you were faced with him in all his gloryWhat would you ask if you had just one questionYeah, yeah, God is greatYeah, yeah, God is goodYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahWhat if God was one of usJust a slob like one of usJust a stranger on the busTrying to make his way homeIf God had a face, what would it look likeAnd would you want to seeIf seeing meant that you would have to believeIn things like heaven and in jesus and the saintsAnd all the prophets and...Yeah, yeah, God is greatYeah, yeah, God is goodYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahWhat if God was one of usJust a slob like one of usJust a stranger on the busTrying to make his way homeTryin to make his way homeBack up to heaven all aloneNobody callin on the phonecept for the pope maybe in romeYeah, yeah, God is greatYeah, yeah, God is goodYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahWhat if God was one of usJust a slob like one of usJust a stranger on the busTrying to make his way homeJust tryin to make his way homeLike a holy rolling stoneBack up to heaven all aloneJust tryin to make his way homeNobody callin on the phonecept for the pope maybe in rome

Proud-Heather Small

...this song says it all...my life has taken so many splintered paths...all leading me to where i am today...you can't go back and un-know something and i would never ask you to...i know what i know...and we do not see eye to eye, but as heather says...to question is to grow...

...what have you done today to make you feel proud...celebrate it...we can and should be proud for each other...though your path may be different than mine...if you are happy than i am proud of you...there is so much misery and suffering in the world today just knowing that you are getting your own happy brings me joy...

...i will not live in fear for the future and will not concern myself with what others think of me...visited that place...was reminded why i left in the first place...i step out of the ordinary...

When Answers Don't Come Easy-Sam Phillips

...in 1988 Sam released her masterpiece "The Turning"...fans of other late-eighties folk singers such as Suzanne Vega, Tracy Chapman, Edie Brickel, etc should do yourselves a favor and check out Sam Phillips music on itunes...She went on to record some amazing music in the 90's and 2000's...she provided music for t.v.'s Gilmore Girls and even tried her hand at acting in "Die Hard With A Vengeance" as a German terrorist...but for me "The Turning" is her finest hour...

...not to make this a Sam-centric blog, but this song ministers to me tonight...to me answers not coming easily isn't just in the waiting but in the receiving...i was advised by a friend tonight to wait...it's enough to know you can hear me now...

...we haven't always had the space to ask questions...sometimes asking the question settles the fear and brings you to brinks but what you do with the answer determines if you fall or fly...i chose flight...

Lover Come Lately-James R Waddell

...this song came about after this thought i have had for years now reared it's ugly head again...the idea that "he" is somewhere being just as sad and lonely and moody as i...the idea that we missed out on beautiful years together...

...this song is my idea of what my soulmate may say to me when we finally meet...

This Dreadful Life-Kay Hanley

...in the early 90's a shiny new band debuted with a cleverly named cd, "Aurora Gory Alice"...Letter To Cleo struck a chord with my friends...and Delena and I made sure we learned every word and applied every song to a different person or part of our lives..."Mellie Was Coming Over" and we just wanted to "Get On With It"...I digress...to us Kay and Letters were "Big Star"s...

..."From Under The Dust" became and has stayed a staple in my musical landscape...a handful of albums later and Letter To Cleo were all but gone from the radar...Kay and Co. contributed a few songs to soundtracks like "10 Things I Hate About You"...Kay was the voice of Josie in the Josie and The Pussycats movie...that project danced close to the edge for me...but Josie was at least in a rock band...

...Kay Hanley released a few solo albums which I personally love...if you are a fan of Letters To Cleo I recommend her solo work...

...tonight i found myself in a youtube loop...stumbled upon some Letters' songs and some live footage of Kay...as I read comments I kept reading blips about Miley Cyrus...since I think she is pretty much the devil I ignored those entries...at first...

...To my horror I have discovered that Kay is touring as a back-up singer for Miley Cyrus...oh how the mightily-talented have fallen...I understand needing to pay the bills...I do not think singing back-up is a bad move or something to be ashamed of...but Miley?

...I am wondering how Kay can feel good about herself...a tried and true songwriter and singer lending her talents to an artist whose bland and hopefully eventually forgettable pop songs have reigned supreme on the charts...squashing the hopes and dreams of legit artists...no one is going to buy Joshua James or Matt Hires cd's when Miley makes banality seem so fun...

...do not get me wrong...I am in no way anti-pop...I love a good hook, a beat you can dance to...but there are swarms of better artists out there, Kay...Pink for instance...at least that woman has something to say...something deeper than "Party In The U.S.A."...oy...

...at the risk of sounding superior or above having a party in the USA I am just a little disappointed...I am choosing to believe that Kay is in financial dire straits and no one...again, no body would give her a job...that little kernel of doubt in the back of my mind be damned...

Call It Love-Poco

...i have settled for it...i am surrounded by those who have settled for it...i have suffered for it...and i can see those who suffer for it looking around for some kind of guiding light...but, when it's all you got...call it love...

...i remember riding in the very back seat of the family van going across the Walt Whitman Bridge heading to church...me in my own world...reading a book...or listening to music on my Walkman...usually i listened to tapes...the cure, Richard Marx, Milli Vanilli, or Amy Grant...it was the 80's after all...but for short trips like going to church i would just listen to the radio...

...i remember the first time hearing Poco's "call it love" i was so young and naive i honestly longed for a time, place, and a person to share an experience with me that we could call love...as the years have gone by, i have learned that ghastly dance...the compromise that should be avoided at all costs, but our hearts make it for us before we can turn it down...

...though i have flirted with it over the last year or so, i have been determined to not give in to it...i deserve to know it is love no matter what we call it...

Bang On The Drum All Day-Todd Rundgren

...i don't want to work...it is cold and wintry outside, and i do not want to leave the house...not sure i have the motivation today...

...i know we all have to work to live...the bible says a man that doesn't work, should not eat...i know that is a bit strict, and not to be taken literally...but in our world it is somewhat true...

...like Bruce Hornsby sang in "the way it is"...just for fun he says, "get a job"...we silently judge homeless people...we vilify the out of work dad for not providing for his family...without ever truly knowing the paths these people have taken to get them where they are today...as they say, but for the grace of god...

...so i am glad to be gainfully employed...especially during these tough economic times...i am glad i have money in the bank and the chance to make more tonight...but that isn't all me...my job doesn't define me...unfortunately....

i say unfortunately, because i would love to be defined by what i do...a legacy...something to leave the world when i leave the world...enter music...

i may not be the best pianist, singer or songwriter...but i do dream that one day i won't have to "work"...i will just bang on the "drum" all day...the opportunity to do what i love the most...make music...and get paid...

...do what i want, and I'm gonna get paid...Tom Waits...i like to say that nobody wants to go to work...but we would all love a career...and that for me is so true...a job is that thing you have to do...a career is doing what you love and getting paid to do it...

...i search the landscape for the signposts...i keep one eye on the prize and one on my daily bread...millions of dreams have come true...why not mine?

Michael Ezra Ichabod/Angie-James R Waddell

...Michael Ezra Ichabod is a song i wrote for my nephews...Angie is a cover of The Rolling Stones song...

...feel free to comment...Angie was a sort of test to see what if any song i should include on my project as a cover...i personally love Angie, but that may just be me...

Blue-Joni Mitchell

...having been raised in a military family...my father is a Vietnam vet...i heard stories of social unrest, dirty hippies spitting in the faces of returning soldiers...the supposed disrespect for traditional values...hours spent reading "Life" magazine and "National Geographic" told the story in series of beautiful photographs...

...the upstate new york farm...the flowers being gently placed in the barrels of guns...the protests...the killings in Ohio...martin luther king jr.'s untimely death...

...i was always somewhat secretly attracted to this counter-culture...the music of that time was a common denominator...reaching across radio waves and vinyl to provide the soundtrack for a splintered but passionate movement...

...even as a kid...i wanted to go to San Fransisco with flowers in my hair...i was California dreaming...and was enamored by the "power of the people"...

...flash-forward to the early 90's...i found myself in a counter-culture of sorts...dropping acid, smoking grass and a sucker for any good cause...although i was misguided at best and spiritually bankrupt i was glad to be part of the "alternative"...

...times have changed...i would not wear clothes bought from a thrift store...long hair just doesn't look good on me anymore, if it ever did...and i will never drop acid again...there have been bigger changes too...it isn't just the hippies that participate in anti-war protests...people in suits and ties lobby for marijuana legalization...and martin luther king jr. would be proud of Obama...

...even though the outer appearance has changed...and there is a new song to be sung...a different war to be opposed to...a democrat in the oval office...i am nostalgic for a by-gone era that i've never seen with these eyes...

...these hippies-past had bravery and dreamed big...they did manage to make a difference...advances in technology, medical marijuana, earth-day, civil rights, and the music...the music i will always admire for it's being...

Sugarcane-Missy Higgins

...as someone who has made their share of mistakes...too many to list...too embarrassed to admit...i can see it in the eyes of the lying co-worker...i can hear it in the voice as the lie crosses the lips...i recognize it in the desperate way a friend back-peddles not wanting to admit a wrong-doing...i see it in their awkward body language...it is an uncomfortable mirror to gaze into...

...they say you can't bull-shit a bull-shitter...you can't con a con-man...with my darkness dangerously close to coming to light...i fully admit that i want to cut down anyone walking the paths i have walked...in both an effort to stop them from having to carry the weight i bear and in a misguided attempt to stop myself from making the same mistake again...

...knowing the signs to look for in someone else has kept me accountable...or i should say "is keeping me accountable"...i am in no way perfect...i am tempted by the bright lights daily...every time i don't bust into my savings account and buy that new steve madden tennis shoe or the latest burberry cologne, all the time knowing i could buy it if i wanted to...i think the thing i am saving for is worth for-going a pair of shoes or bottle of cologne...

...part of it is maturity...not to say that i have arrived, but i am not where i was before...is there any way of looking out for your fellow man, or attempting to stop your sister when he/she is heading right for danger without becoming the enemy?...i have certainly resented friends of mine for calling me on my shit...so i expect the scoffs when i do speak up...and "coming from a place of experience" doesn't guarantee you audience...

...had to confront two people today...one told a bold face lie...the other stretched the truth to gain from me...two sins i have committed and have paid dearly for...i guess i was more or less crying out to my past in the form of my present company...i may have over-stepped a boundary or two...but i took those steps because i saw myself reflected back at me...and i knew the path they were/are headed for...i am no missionary man...no saint...but i have learned more from sinners than saints and missionary men, i suppose it could be my lot to pass along what i have learned...run fast sugarcane...

My Sister-Julianna Hatfield

...today we celebrated my sister, Autumn's, 27th birthday...there was bbq, boob-shaped cake and many people in the house...i had intended to wake up at noon, but ended up sleeping until 2:30...missing the meal and mayhem...

...i got to enjoy a piece of cake and made it in time to give my gifts...i framed fabric as art...i picked Toile De Jouy and cut out the different scenes and framed the fabric...they turned out great!

...i do not claim to be crafty per se...but for 30 dollars and a little bit of work i was able to create 4 pieces of "art"...

...i have been very tired and cranky this week...it hasn't taken much to push me over the edge...i think it's because i worked on one of my days off last week...my plan for the day is to make like a ducks back...in an attempt to not let the little things bug me...just thinking about work, and i am starting to get bugged...breathe in breathe out...

Ghost Of A Texas Ladies Man-Concrete Blonde

...the following requires suspension of disbelief...much like the t.v. show "Ghost Whisperer"...do not fret this is not a spoiler...you can still plan on watching tonite's episode...

...if i were Jennifer Love Hewit's character i would have long since moved...or maybe that's not who needs to move...if i were her neighbor i would move...these are the thoughts i was having while watching tonite's thrilling episode...now, i am torn...though it is a hopelessly cheesy show, and so predictable... there is little on t.v. on Friday nights and i lead a rather dull life these days...so "Ghost Whisperer" and i have had a series-long thing going...back to the story...thinking about how over-run with ghosts Grandview seems to be...stream of conscience going wild...i begin to think that it must be like that everywhere...

...in theory. many of us will admit that we believe in ghosts, aliens, afterlives, reincarnation, etc....so it isn't far-fetched to think that at on any given day we pass by 2 or 3 spirits as we walk from room to room or out to our cars or in the store...so this thought makes me sad...there are millions and millions of people in the world right now suffering...if only a fraction of their souls linger on suffering...that's still alot of suffering...so now i am lamenting the suffering of the souls lingering on earth as well as the suffering of my fellow man...

...it's almost not worth it too care. this train of thought derails...it's a t.v. show i remind myself...so i chose to imagine the ghost of a Texas ladies man...and if there was a soul around me suffering i hope they have the chance to make peace, but for now i will concern myself with suffering i can see and maybe try and help...leave the ghosts to Jennifer's gifts...happy Friday...

Fighting Spirit-Madonna

...heading to work...needed a little inspiration...hope lady madge inspires you...

Scene From An Italian Restaurant-Billy Joel

...a decade and a half ago...a little place downtown hit it's stride...renowned and loved...a sort of destination...after plays...for a business lunch...for a dessert to impress your friends with...something to cement rsvp'ing "yes" for...a place to get a sack of weed...or a job for a down on their luck pal...i was once such pal...

...after a month of trying to find a job...and by try i mean...thought about it...my interview consisted of two questions..."will you actually work?"...and "will you show up?"...i answered yes and entered into a sort of culinary fraternal organization...

...those who came before me, include...artists and musicians and chefs and druggies and drop-outs and we ran the gamut...i have beautiful memories of men and women who will always be a part of something no one can take away, and since the place is gone we are the only ones who can partake...

...romances, dreams aplenty, heartbreak, fights and laughs...Tamara and Katy surprised me by flashing the ladies, to my shock as i walked into the cooler one day...Laura and i tormented a new manager that Carol hired...she lasted a day...Mike was a cry-sack...Bren...oh Bren...what did you do to your hair?...Delena and i would sing harmonies while baking bread or doing dishes...Sienna was sweet then...and who could forget Carol's son's...they injected passion into every part of their lives...and they learned that from mama...

...i recall Rowdy...when he took money from Carol and hid in the catering closet...Tony was fit to be tied as they broke into the closet...he was our hero...when i think about my day to day work, i remember Lisa standing at the window making pasta...or Amy talking to customers spreading peace, love, dope...

...on the last night the town poured out it's love for our Italian restaurant...it was the end of an era, and a very specific moment in time for "Carol's kids"...we have gone our own way...Sera, Laura and i stayed close to home...someone has to keep the home fires burning...facebook has allowed Tiffany and i to stay connected...she took me to lunch and introduced me to my future/past...Erin flew the coop as did Mike and Bren...Tamara and Katy have come and gone and come and gone again...many of us gathered up in other cities...still others have been long gone and off the radar...

...but i bet we all remember fondly when we remember our Italian restaurant...

Like The Weather-10,000 Maniacs

...sitting outside smoking and taking in the scene outside my door...it is cold and wet and grey...i love fall...the leaves are changing and falling as the naked branches begin to reach towards the sky longing for Halloween...

...fall begins the great air-conditioning vs. heater dance we do as we strive to acclimate to the cooler weather...we begin to break out our sweaters, scarfs and get our coats dry-cleaned...all winter long we long for reprieve from the relentless cold...and by mid-summer we are endlessly seeking out a cool breeze...fall is our reward for frying in the summer sun...

...i may just be a real Montanan now...all over America people mourn the passing of yet another summer...i find myself blooming now as the summer gives up it's fight...i am off to pick out a scarf to wear when i leave the house tonight...

Gold Dust Woman-Fleetwood Mac

...tonite during a discussion with a pal about a friend's hell-bent-on-agony actions...the subject of astrological signs entered the discussion...the hell-bent friend was a fellow Gemini...coming from a difficult past, big family with religious overtones...i identify with this younger, female version of myself in many ways...

...in response to the question i was posed, "does that make her two face?"...i began to think about that query...and all that it entails...each zodiac sign has it's own set of duality's...for instance the Scorpio is made up of three distinct stages...the grey lizard, the scorpion and the eagle...the Gemini isn't so much two-faced as they have many different facets of their personality in a life-long attempt to belong...Gemini's have to learn to integrate these different sides of their person into one fully-realized person...it takes time...

...we begin malleable and motivated by "shiny objects"...somewhat easily swayed and fully ready to be absorbed by and subsequently absorb the world around us...and then there is the communication...Gemini's have this need to communicate...and since we are often in the throes of struggling to belong, we will say what we need to...to belong...

...breaking a friends confidence, for instance...i had a friend who was also a Gemini, who would tell people that he lost his finger to a shark...as if any one believed it or was impressed by it...but somehow this allowed my friend to feel like he belonged to something bigger than he really was...

...while discussing these things and thinking on these things...it just sounds so bleak...and remember you Aquarius or Capricorn out there, for instance, every sign has it's bad side...sometimes two or three bad sides...and i am almost defaming my own sign warning people to stay away...hardly...

...as i have grown i am more and more myself...not yet fully realized but realizing that being fully realized would make my life more manageable...i am less and less malleable...i have my own ideals and beliefs and am not easily swayed...i know when a friend deserves and needs their confidence held on to...and when people are just spreading idle gossip...

...every person regardless of their sign, has a need to belong and takes a while to work out the many kinks in our operating systems...but we each deserve a little patience and forgiveness, because we may need each other one day...the way the zodiac works is that all the signs work and go together to benefit the whole...in our finery we are complimentary and enlightened...but for now we just struggle to belong while longing to rise above...

...tonite from a fellow Gemini i give you...Stevie...

Fire On The Mountain-Marshall Tucker Band

...today was rather pedestrian...no blinding lights...no epiphany...no uncomfortable face to face with the me i once was...went to the bank...went to work...ate dinner...watched some t.v....thought about what song i would record on Thursday...played a little piano...not a red letter day, but we don't get very many of those in any given year...

...i feel like i must sound blue, but alas i feel little really...there is the usual low level hum of depression everyone feels...there are hopes and fears for the future, but they live in the midst of my present as i suspect they do for most people...i wonder, like a child on Christmas, how much my paycheck will be tomorrow...and i feel lonesome...that is the most obvious feeling as i thumb through the Rolodex of feelings at the desk in my mind...

...it is a feeling that has plagued me most...it is a feeling that i have all but made peace with...but i am uneasy with the thought of making peace with loneliness...the times in my life that i have made room in my heart for someone special i have been left with less than i started with and a huge mess to contend with...friends have their lives and loves and children, and i don't even have a dog to talk to...

...before you start playing the world's smallest violin for me...it is in a desire to pin down what it is i truly want and/or need that i speak of such things...in one breath i can be extolling the virtues of time alone and in the next lament my single status...i know love and life follow no one set of rules and regulations, and that love can be found in a man's 90's if it so fated...but for now i feel like a mutation...a single, gay, white man...making his way in the world...i am a pioneer of sorts...many have gone before me...women have been glorified in t.v. and movies for being single over 30 and fabulous...straight men have been vilified/celebrated for being playboys, bachelors and silver foxes...gay men have been long associated with endless parties...lovers in line...and friends at every turn...but alas my circle of friends is small and somewhat geographically splintered...lovers are not coming to call...and i feel like i am too old to "party endlessly"...

...so with the spirit of the pioneers i make my way into here-to-fore uncharted territory...i will make like Lewis and Clark and leave clues and signs for generations to come...i may end up on a trail of tears with none of the glory of Lewis and Clark, but the mountains are beautiful and i don't mind having the time to think...

Orchid-Alanis Morissette

...it doesn't take long to come crashing back down to earth...less than a week ago i was high-flying and adored...full of love and hope for my fellow travelers...one awkward experience while waiting on line and i allowed self-doubt in for a drink...well the bottle is empty and i've lost my voice from all the talk...

...these last two days while in an uneasy head space i forged ahead in good, powerful and lasting ways...almost in an autopilot fugue...thankful for the auto pilot...where as before i would have given up eaten a hole pizza or cake and spent money on something outlandish to bandage what i deem broken...

...but i rose above...the fog has lifted from my little harbor...i see myself clearly again...a few kind and timely words from friends...time alone...and deep thoughts...but no swerving out of control...i stuck to my diet...i managed to save money and pay some bills...and i wrote no bad checks or bought yet another pair of shoes...

...i am far from figuring it out...but closer than i was last night...you've brought water to me...making sure my bloom rebounds...you know best of what my special care allows...

Real Men-Joe Jackson

...last night i received some good news...my little brother and his wife are expecting another baby...i am filled with many mixed feelings...obviously i am foremost pleased...new life is always reason for celebration...i am filled with trepidation regarding my relationship with their current son...i haven't bonded with Jude the way i have bonded with Houston and Oliver, my other nephews...not because i haven't wanted to spend time with Jude, but because i so rarely see Jude, and when i do, it's almost like he doesn't care or recognize me...

...which leads me to a little verbalized fear all my own...as babies my nephews were easy to get along with...funny faces, stuffed animals and picture books could entertain them for hours...as they age...i am saddened...they become interested in sports, balls of any kind, wrestling...basic boy stuff...far removed from me...i worry if i will have any kind of relationship with these little boys...

...obviously they will have more of a bond with my brother Joseph...what will they have in common with me?...so part of me hopes Stanley and Katie have a girl...which leads me to my biggest fear of all regarding the nephews/nieces...what will my brothers and sisters tell their children about me...how will they broach the subject of their gay uncle James...will they repeat cycles that christians have always perpetuated...will they call me a sinner, forever staining these little angels view of me and gay people they meet throughout their lives...will i become more and more of a pariah as they age...a liability...a dirty little secret...

...it may be years before these issues have to be faced...but somewhere in the back of my mind, i am drafting my exit strategy...

The World Spins Madly On-The Weepies

...tonight at the convenience store getting smokes, diet dr. pepper and propositioned to by the clerk...in a weird would you like me to hook you up with my ex...he has no body fat...kind of way...i noticed a boy on line behind me that i recognized...i asked the pimp/clerk if he knew who that was and he answered, "yeah, that's matt"....no bells rang...he said, "he works at some sandwich shop maybe that's how you know him."....no, that's not it...i know i know him...without warning Matt was right behind me and says, "you used to hang out with Ken."...that's it...

...i treated Matt terribly in an attempt to get back at Ken...the pimp said, "you should hear the nicknames i have for James"...Matt said, "i could guess."...knives. ouch...deserved. yes...i was so high back then...and so obsessed with Ken, that i had blinders on...Matt was not the only person i have wronged...in the pursuit of "him"...

...starting the day with visions of "peace tonight" and some happiness...great night at work...made some money...paid my dues...feeling good in this skin...and bam...without warning my past comes to call...i take the punch and roll with it...only i can pull the proverbial rug out from under me...and i have been here before...the lesson is learned and the damage done, maybe Matt and I will take what we have learned about James and avoid the pain next time...

...i do not pretend to have made such an earth shattering dent in anyone, but the way he said, "i could guess." stuck in my craw...while i have been picking up all the pieces and putting this humpty dumpty back together...i still do not have all the pieces...my world spun madly on and i never knew the damage done to someone who barely even made a dent in me...my deepest apologies, Matt...

...tomorrow is another day, and who knows, maybe there'll be another mess to clean up...but i feel better knowing where the messes are...i hate that there are messes i have forgotten...but it's my duty to not make anymore chaos and face each challenge i face with grace, forgiveness, hope for my future...and peace for my past...

Woke up and wished that I was dead With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed I thought of you and where you'd gone and let the world spin madly on Everything that I said I'd do Like make the world brand new And take the time for you I just got lost and slept right through the dawn And the world spins madly on I let the day go by I always say goodbye I watch the stars from my window sill The whole world is moving and I'm standing still Woke up and wished that I was dead With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed The night is here and the day is gone And the world spins madly on I thought of you and where you'd gone And the world spins madly on.

Peace Tonight-Indigo Girls

...well, kids it's back to work tonight...back to the diet...back to reality...oy vey...things are on a general up-swing for james...so in an attempt to hold on to the momentum and to not be my own stumbling block...i thought some good ol' folk music from indigo girls would be a great jumping off point...though seven-eight hours of my day will be spent at that place i have to go to, i can let my brain keep on skankin' with the hippies and my eyes on the prize...

...so much of my time is spent in preparation for things i do not want to do...work, being the best example...however, that isn't living...that is just survival...in order to live and live well, i do have to work...but that isn't the end all...i have my music, both my own and other artists...i have my vegas plans...i have my savings accounts which represent several dreams of mine...a car, finally getting out of this god forsaken town, etc....

...so tonight...on a no news is good news, middle of mid-year day...let's make peace tonight...

Garbage Man-G Love and Special Sauce

...was out of town for a few days...went to Bozeman, Mt to see Jason Mraz and G-Love and Special Sauce play...ahh...it was lovely...

...first of all...it is just nice to get out of Great Falls. Great Falls is a backwards, dying, oppressive town...Bozeman, Missoula and even Helena and Butte are so much more forward thinking...recycling, friendly, thriving downtown areas, coffee shops with open mic nights...and the youth...these college kids so full of hope and rose-colored glass views of their future...they don't yet have bitterness and loneliness and depression clouding their heads...that kind of positive...we can and will make a difference....energy is so nice to be around...

...now i am back in Great Falls...but i am hoping to hold on to some of that light and energy and make my own world a better place for me to be in...Let the naysayers nay...the rest of us will dance...

Penny With A Hole In It-Dionne Farris

...i was sick as a dog yesterday and last night...seriously slept for 18 hours...though i am not fully better i still have to go to work tonight, because i cannot afford to not work...i know it is because of my life choices that i am where i am today...it isn't anyones fault but my own that i am "forced" to work jobs that don't have insurance and sick days...however, i think insurance/healthcare and sick days are humane and i would just like to say "tsk tsk" to any company that doesn't offer such things...i know there are financial concerns and since we are all motivated by making money small companies in reality cannot afford to offer sick days and insurance, but i work for a huge corporation...guess there is nothing i can do but to get dressed for work and hope i don't get everyone else sick and hope that my check will stretch so that i can afford my life...

Willing To Fight-Ani Difranco

...watched a very moving documentary called "11th Hour" tonight...i can't begin to go into what i learned...but i can describe the feelings i was left with...that there is always hope for the hopeless...yes this current system of big corporations and waste and consumption needs to change and be re-designed, but there are people already effecting such change...buildings with green roofs are popping up all over the place...my own father who is a staunch christian and republican recycles cans and my mother reuses water and soda bottles for drinking water for her sports teams and long trips...what i walked away from this movie with was a sense that it may be the 11th hour, but we still have an hour...without being preachy or starting a dialogue about politics or religion, it would behoove us as a nation and people to find one way that we can do something good for the place we live...the place that gives us life...our home...would you invite a toxin to stay in your guest room?...and one point that someone made in "11th Hour" was we vote either for change or sameness each time we make a purchase...in a money driven culture...that is the purest way that we can effect change...one person suggested that we make it so rewarding and enticing to encourage someone to invent the perfect way to best big oil...and so impossible for big oil to make money that in the end the transition would be seamless...i struggle every day with this...i am too american, too lazy to actually walk or ride a bike to work...i am part of the problem essentially whining about the possibility of a solution...if i had my druthers i would buy and drive and be very proud to do so...a smart car...but again i live here now...i will continue to search my soul for the answer...hopefully we all find the answer in time...

Christina-Patty Griffin

...it's funny the many different people, places or things that can serve to offer inspiration...at work i was filled with angst regarding people that think it is ok to not tip...co-workers who are more "co" than "worker"...when i got home i ate and watched monk and psych and had all but forgotten about said angst...but i was feeling kind of empty...vegetive...went to the computer to read emails and search sites like perezhilton.com and twitter.com when i remembered a project a friend was working on...i quickly looked it up and was amazed and impressed at her talent...suddenly i remembered my own worth and talent...we are creatures that are more magical creatures when we allow other people to effect change and inspiration in us...though her name is not christina...reading her words and getting this peek into her passions, led my brain to this song......