All Right-Amy Grant

...looking out, to the hills to the setting sun...i feel a cold wind, bound to come...another change, another end i cannot see...

...this day...the beginning of a new year, a new decade...i will eat my black-eyed peas for good luck...i am bringing with me some baggage from last year, from last decade, but i am also bringing hope for better...i am starting design school this month...since Christmas is over, it's back to the budget and saving and paying off debt...wishes for Vegas, and love, and success, and new shoes abound...

...i am just glad i made it through 2009 in one piece...for many of the people in my family it was a trying and terrible year...a 20% better year, as my sister requested, would be lovely...i have destroying life, and breaking hearts down pat...from here on out i plan to encourage life and cherish hearts...

...after all these years of knockin' on heaven's door...

Nice To Meet You, Anyway-Gavin DeGraw

...i am missing my keyboard tonight...i am missing being able to work it out in the words of a new song...to pound out my frustrations in the black and white confines of 88 keys...and since the chord or the keyboard itself gave up the ghost...i must rely on the divine inspiration of my fellow singer/songwriters...i have to cull from their collective works, the one song that is my emotional reflection...

...tonight, confronted with my own humility and being in a sort of limbo...emotionally, financially...sane battles insane and my life is spoil...i walked headlong into a "well-wish" from someone i was content to never endure again...confronted by past mistakes and mis-steps...i stood there on the precipice and took a life-saving step...

...thought i'd crumble?...so did i...do i...but i just found someone special...and that's really something special...if you knew me...

the special person i found is...(groan)...me...
me without a "best friend"...a partner in figurative or literal crime...a lover...a daily phone call...a burden...another bill...a drain...i only have me to contend with...and i am finding that a difficult enough task...

...so before i give in completely to the devil in disguise...i am going to buckle down, commit and give this new relationship a fighting chance...

...i have never fully known myself...these ways i insulated myself, usually through friends/lovers, etc...i kept that still small voice drowned out and my friends were more than happy to turn up the hi-fi...blaming no one else however...they all blossomed and flourished and found "it" and sold it to the highest bidder and are reaping the benefits...but me, a misfit, withered on the vine...i think i am like one of those plants that's better root-bound and does better in a pot all by itself...but look at it's growth and luster and shine...but i just found someone special...nice to meet you, anyway...

Walkaways-Counting Crows

...i think it's because i'm tired...maybe it's because i am lonely sometimes...maybe it's because i am depressed, and wish i could articulate it...she said all of this and more without a word...sometimes it's best just to walkaway, my dear...

Inbetween Days-The Cure

...after getting off the phone from a marathon chat-fest with an old friend...well he's younger than i am, but you get my drift...i watched a little t.v. and surfed the net and enjoyed the silence and then tried to drift off to sleep...but the silence kept me up...

...i began to think back on my day and my mind wondered to tomorrow...the 27th is Brenda's...and Gwen's...and Jason's birthdays...the 29th is Dallas'...oh snap...New Year's Eve...which led me into some fantasy about finally being thin...for once in my life...oh the twisted roads we take in our minds sometimes...

...but that thought goaded me out of bed and provoked me greatly...yesterday i got so old...we are guaranteed nothing...not a tomorrow nor to remember our past...we only have today...what a liberating and invigorating thought...scary as that is...

...so take this weight off of me...literally and figuratively...the past is done and i cannot change a single thing...i remember sitting in my room, Gwen and I, talking about how we loved that Eddie Money song, "I Wanna Go Back"...but that would be too dire and hopeless...the future is full of chances for failure as well as successes, variables out of my control as well as devices of my own making...again, too harsh a spell to cast...today...right now...is all i have...if i want to envision a better tomorrow and have a few lovely stories to tell i need to live today the way i need to...

...so to Brenda, Gwen, Jason and Dallas too...happy birthday...today is your day, but i'm coming along for the ride, because it's my day too, dammit...

Life In A Northern Town-Dream Acadamy

...survived Christmas...enjoyed it mostly...there were little earthquakes...good year for hunters and Christmas parties...but it was fun...

...watching the kids open gifts was one of the best parts...such excitement...and the food...so much food...i am stuffed and regretting most of what i ate...not because of heartburn or bad taste...simply that i hope my clothes fit me tomorrow...

...now that the Christmas season is over...and we have New Years Eve/Day looming large...i am reminded that this week-for me at least-has always been a sort of limbo...looking forward/looking back...nostalgia and hope for the future co-exist for one solid week, every year...

...never been one for New Year's resolutions...but i do have plans...hopes...dreams...i plan to go back to Vegas...i plan to start school...i hope i can lose some weight...i hope i get some bills paid off and a better job...i dream that i finish my music project and something good comes from that...yes, all of those plans, hopes and dreams revolve around me and my happiness...i think that after all the goodwill and shopping, with others in mind, meeting the looming-largeness of the New Year always seems to send me into this self-comfort cycle...forgiving myself for wasted time and planning to do something positive with the time i have left...letting go of what i can't get back and reminding myself of the good i have done and that saving money and affording quality takes quantities of time...bandaging the parts broken along with each of my broken dreams and inventing new versions of those broken...

...so tomorrow it's back to work...back to reality...back to life in this snowed-in northern town...looking forward to New Year's Day...looking forward to tax-returns...and the first beautiful life-affirming signs of Spring...

All Alone On Christmas-Darlene Love

...tradition...for as long as i can remember...we have gathered around the tree on Christmas Eve...after people go to church and before they go out looking at Christmas lights...we gather and each open up one gift...a tradition that began as little kids...unable to wait until Christmas morning we were allowed to open one gift...

...now thirty-some years later our family continues the tradition with the little one's in tow now...it is like a little taste of what madness there will be tomorrow...such fun...i made a huge spread...buffet style...pizza, cookies, punch, lil' smokies, cheesecake and cheese and crackers...basically junk food and gifts with the family...how could anyone say no to that?...good thing we all love each other so much, eh?

...reminding every one...if you are lucky enough to have all of your family under one roof to enjoy it...and if any one is away i am sending you love and wishes of "Baby, please come home...."

Toast-Tori Amos

...thinking of those who have passed this year...from our beloved Michael Jackson to my dear friend Alan...the decade has flown by...so much has changed and this year is the proverbial nail in the coffin of the 00's...i recall when the 80's ended...People Magazine retrospective collector's editions...Mention in George Michael's "Waiting On That Day"...now every body's talkin' about this new decade...like you say the magic number and just say goodbye to the stupid mistakes you've made..." Mention in Jesus Jones' "Right Here, Right Now"..."i saw the decade in, when it seemed the world could change in the blink of an eye..." Mentioned in the late 80's classic by Escape Club "Wild Wild West"..."headin' for the 90's, living in the wild wild west..." as well.

...a similar sense of "anything could happen" when the 90's became the 00's...for one the Century turned...then there was the Y2K nonsense to contend with as well...fast forward to 2009...as of yet we Americans have not figured out what to collectively call the decade...some opt for Aughts, some the "O's"...i generally say the two thousands...seems i had forgotten the decade was changing..."i saw the decade in, when it seemed the world could change in the blink of an eye..." Deep.

...so to Alan and other friends and family members who have passed in the last 20 years or so...to those famous or infamous that have inspired me who have gone too soon...i raise a glass, make a toast, a toast in your honor...i hear you laugh and beg me not to dance...'cause on your right...standing by... is Mr. Bojangles with a toast...is telling me it's time to let you go...

...i have wasted the better part of this decade on frivolous pursuits...so even in the passing i am still inspired...inspired to make this next decade (the "Teens?") a more creative, more positive and more memorable decade...i raise a glass...

Help Me-Joni Mitchell

...yeah, so Joni gets a lot of play on my mp3 player and on the radio in my head...tonight at work for about 3 hours i sang this song to myself and most likely loud enough to be heard by my tables and co-workers...it wasn't directed at anyone and after a while i began to ponder why...why was i stuck on this song? and then it hit me...the muzak wasn't on in the restaurant and so the radio in my head just played and replayed "Help Me" and since i sing along...i sang along...

...after the manager turned on the muzak i was singing along with random Christmas songs and Reo Speedwagon...all was right with the world again and the radio in my head let Joni go back into the vault...so tonight i thought i would share this wonderful song with my readers...just because i was bitching that "Help Me" was stuck in my head, doesn't mean i think it is a horrid song...in fact it is one of my favorite songs of all time...enjoy...

Praying For Time-George Michael

...taking a look at materialism...dissecting what this Christmas season means to me and my family...i was reminded of George Michael's "Praying For Time"..."charity is a coat you wear twice a year..." and how that relates to me...spending the last couple of weeks stressing out because it has been slow due to the weather which directly impacts my wallet and my gift-giving/buying abilities...and is this stress undue? foolish? self-inflicted? society's fault? a hall-mark holiday? the brain-child of Macy's? yes. sure. you betcha...so why do we do what we do? why do we go into debt each December? why do we find ourselves awake at 3am stressing out about coming up with enough money to afford Christmas? i can only speak for myself...

...for as long as i can remember Christmas has been a special time at our house...as i am sure it was in many people's homes...as my brothers and i grew older and got part-time jobs we began to get on board with the gift giving...it had never been a source of stress or one-up-man-ship...we were proud to be given the opportunity to get the perfect gift...not just because we spent a lot of money on said gift...or were able to make a dream come true...we gave with love and joy...and we bought gifts for Dad, Mom, James, Scott, Joseph, April, Autumn and Stanley...and as husbands and wives and nephews have joined the family...the Christmas list has become longer, but that's a beautiful thing to me...that is more people to attempt to bring a little joy to...

...now if our joy is solely derived from what we get we will be disappointed...every time...honestly, everyone in my family asks for something for Christmas...plane tickets, exercise equipment, clothes, a computer, help with a bill or a puppy...still haven't got that puppy, but i never walk away from Christmas feeling empty or wishing i hadn't wasted all that money...i am full of joy...i just got to spend time with my family and watch them forget about the ugly and dwell for a few hours on the lovely...and i cherish the gifts given to me...from the Vegas ashtray...to the beautiful framed picture of horses that Katie photographed and framed for me...a silk Elton John tour shirt from my brother and mother...

Every time i look at that 6.00 ashtray i think of my dear friend...and how i love her...and how she picked that up for me...just for me...for me...and as a human that makes me feel good and warm and loved...in as much as the biggest ticket item i have ever gotten from Santa was well-loved and cherished and well-used but doesn't come to mind as quick as the 6.00 ashtray...a gift from the heart is always best...

...so with that thought in mind i try to approach the gift giving part of the holiday season...i try to concentrate on that person and what makes them tick...what they long for...what they need...what they cherish...do i always get the right gift? do i always "nail it"? no. probably not....but i try and i have fun in the attempt and know in my heart of hearts that it isn't so much the gift but the love it was purchased with or made with...

...said all that to say this...Christmas is not just about the gifts...in fact, historically it has been evolving and we modern day Americans would not recognize Christmas 150 years ago...Protestant churches did not have Christmas services...didn't celebrate Christmas...it was a largely Catholic celebration...Rudolph was invented by an ad man at Macy's...and when people say Christmas is about Jesus' birth...i have to laugh because Jesus was born in the spring...Christmas is like just about anything else in the world...it's about what we make it about...if you want to volunteer in a soup kitchen...good for you...if you want to sing in the choir on Christmas day...lovely...if you want to buy the biggest and best of everything because you want to surprise the family you love...great...if you want to bake for days and days and bring lovely sugar-filled treats into the homes of the people you care about...may i please have some...if you want to sit in a dark room and eat Chef Boyardee and watch MTV...have at you...we are Americans...and Christmas as we know it today is a an American holiday...we use the collective last 2 weeks of December to celebrate and thank God for the birth of Jesus...we use it to remember the miracle of the oil that saved the Jews, during Hanukkah...we buy/make/wrap/transport gifts to our friends and family...to bring cheer and love as another year ends and another begins...

...did i spend to much? did i get what i really wanted to get for each person on my list? am i still biting my nails knowing that i need to still go and pick out a few more things, and i hope i find what i am looking for? yes...of course...do i wish money wasn't an issue? yes...but Christmas comes but once a year...and since i have to buy for many people maybe next year i will be wise and start buying gifts in January and buy 2 a month and then by next December i will be done and stress-free...doubtful plus the late-night Wal-Mart trips with Joseph are fun and i wouldn't trade Christmas for anything...well maybe Peace On Earth and Goodwill Towards Men...

In The Bleak Midwinter-Pierce Pettis

...this poem by Christina Rossetti set to music, has always been one of my favorite Holiday songs...I love the dark, minor chord setting...it hearkens back to the time of Wesley...the piety and reverent nature of the hymns from that time are full of dark beauty that is almost all but lost...that is why i still love "I will Arise and Go to Jesus" aka "Come Ye Sinners"...

...In The Bleak Midwinter, I Will Arise and Go To Jesus and many of the Christmas/holiday songs we sing are really just the Contemporary Christian Music of their time...set to folk tunes like Greensleeves, though even older than Midwinter, with lyrics of great piety and charged with the intention of spreading the Methodist Gospel...

...As a teenager i was loathe to sing many of the hymns in church...wishing we could sing Amy Grant songs...and although Amy, Michael W. Smith, Twila Paris, Petra and others did their part to pave the way for Christian Artists of today and shape what modern worship services have become...i think it would be a shame for the church to completely lose sight of where they came from...the language and sentence structure of these old songs seems stark and rigid compared to today's music, but therein lies the beauty...these songs were written during a time when soulful singing and individual style were frowned upon...but i have a theory...all art is inspired by God...we are given the abilities we have and foster a relationship with our souls when we create...just as Fanny Crosby was inspired to write hymns i believe Trent Reznor was inspired to write Head Like A Hole...and i believe this inspiration was divine...

...so naturally enjoy the gentle rollicking rhythm of Sleigh Ride and the call and response of Silver Bells...pick up the newest Christmas offering by your favorite artist and enjoy the holiday fully...but remember our history this holiday...as a music lover i love to use music as a sort of history book and even though we are writing history daily, it is always useful to look back and thank those who came before us for their contributions to our lives...

Drop The Pilot-Joan Armatrading

...this has been a month of up's and down's and i am left feeling sideways...i cannot fully articulate why this song and i have bonded so much over the course of the last few days...

...it is almost lecherous in tone...as Alanis Morissette says in "On The Tequila", "...the predator in me is put to shame by the predator in you..." I have used all these arguments and more in my pursuit...but I always left out the tag..."I'm the one you need..."

...i was satisfied to be wanted...needed is a whole other emotion...but it isn't negative per se...i have tried many new things this year...to moderate success...wildly greater than any level of success i had ever imagined would actually be...maybe it is time for some rearranging...

...animal, mineral, physical, spiritual...i'm the one you need...in my pursuits i have painted the picture...i have steered conversations...i have courted and sparked the interests...i have held up a standard to which i know "the pilot" could not live up to and then i became the mahout...instead of the easy rider i proclaimed to be...i became the elephant driver...a rudder...desperate in my attempts to get my way, because being trampled to death or sinking into the black of the sea are not options i care to entertain...i became the one who "needed"...but as i said that isn't such a bad thing...but it is when you are the parasite and the host knows the cure...

...i feel Joan was talking to someone much like me...