Like The Weather-10,000 Maniacs

...sitting outside smoking and taking in the scene outside my door...it is cold and wet and grey...i love fall...the leaves are changing and falling as the naked branches begin to reach towards the sky longing for Halloween...

...fall begins the great air-conditioning vs. heater dance we do as we strive to acclimate to the cooler weather...we begin to break out our sweaters, scarfs and get our coats dry-cleaned...all winter long we long for reprieve from the relentless cold...and by mid-summer we are endlessly seeking out a cool breeze...fall is our reward for frying in the summer sun...

...i may just be a real Montanan now...all over America people mourn the passing of yet another summer...i find myself blooming now as the summer gives up it's fight...i am off to pick out a scarf to wear when i leave the house tonight...

Gold Dust Woman-Fleetwood Mac

...tonite during a discussion with a pal about a friend's hell-bent-on-agony actions...the subject of astrological signs entered the discussion...the hell-bent friend was a fellow Gemini...coming from a difficult past, big family with religious overtones...i identify with this younger, female version of myself in many ways...

...in response to the question i was posed, "does that make her two face?"...i began to think about that query...and all that it entails...each zodiac sign has it's own set of duality's...for instance the Scorpio is made up of three distinct stages...the grey lizard, the scorpion and the eagle...the Gemini isn't so much two-faced as they have many different facets of their personality in a life-long attempt to belong...Gemini's have to learn to integrate these different sides of their person into one fully-realized person...it takes time...

...we begin malleable and motivated by "shiny objects"...somewhat easily swayed and fully ready to be absorbed by and subsequently absorb the world around us...and then there is the communication...Gemini's have this need to communicate...and since we are often in the throes of struggling to belong, we will say what we need to...to belong...

...breaking a friends confidence, for instance...i had a friend who was also a Gemini, who would tell people that he lost his finger to a shark...as if any one believed it or was impressed by it...but somehow this allowed my friend to feel like he belonged to something bigger than he really was...

...while discussing these things and thinking on these things...it just sounds so bleak...and remember you Aquarius or Capricorn out there, for instance, every sign has it's bad side...sometimes two or three bad sides...and i am almost defaming my own sign warning people to stay away...hardly...

...as i have grown i am more and more myself...not yet fully realized but realizing that being fully realized would make my life more manageable...i am less and less malleable...i have my own ideals and beliefs and am not easily swayed...i know when a friend deserves and needs their confidence held on to...and when people are just spreading idle gossip...

...every person regardless of their sign, has a need to belong and takes a while to work out the many kinks in our operating systems...but we each deserve a little patience and forgiveness, because we may need each other one day...the way the zodiac works is that all the signs work and go together to benefit the whole...in our finery we are complimentary and enlightened...but for now we just struggle to belong while longing to rise above...

...tonite from a fellow Gemini i give you...Stevie...

Fire On The Mountain-Marshall Tucker Band

...today was rather pedestrian...no blinding lights...no epiphany...no uncomfortable face to face with the me i once was...went to the bank...went to work...ate dinner...watched some t.v....thought about what song i would record on Thursday...played a little piano...not a red letter day, but we don't get very many of those in any given year...

...i feel like i must sound blue, but alas i feel little really...there is the usual low level hum of depression everyone feels...there are hopes and fears for the future, but they live in the midst of my present as i suspect they do for most people...i wonder, like a child on Christmas, how much my paycheck will be tomorrow...and i feel lonesome...that is the most obvious feeling as i thumb through the Rolodex of feelings at the desk in my mind...

...it is a feeling that has plagued me most...it is a feeling that i have all but made peace with...but i am uneasy with the thought of making peace with loneliness...the times in my life that i have made room in my heart for someone special i have been left with less than i started with and a huge mess to contend with...friends have their lives and loves and children, and i don't even have a dog to talk to...

...before you start playing the world's smallest violin for me...it is in a desire to pin down what it is i truly want and/or need that i speak of such things...in one breath i can be extolling the virtues of time alone and in the next lament my single status...i know love and life follow no one set of rules and regulations, and that love can be found in a man's 90's if it so fated...but for now i feel like a mutation...a single, gay, white man...making his way in the world...i am a pioneer of sorts...many have gone before me...women have been glorified in t.v. and movies for being single over 30 and fabulous...straight men have been vilified/celebrated for being playboys, bachelors and silver foxes...gay men have been long associated with endless parties...lovers in line...and friends at every turn...but alas my circle of friends is small and somewhat geographically splintered...lovers are not coming to call...and i feel like i am too old to "party endlessly"...

...so with the spirit of the pioneers i make my way into here-to-fore uncharted territory...i will make like Lewis and Clark and leave clues and signs for generations to come...i may end up on a trail of tears with none of the glory of Lewis and Clark, but the mountains are beautiful and i don't mind having the time to think...

Orchid-Alanis Morissette

...it doesn't take long to come crashing back down to earth...less than a week ago i was high-flying and adored...full of love and hope for my fellow travelers...one awkward experience while waiting on line and i allowed self-doubt in for a drink...well the bottle is empty and i've lost my voice from all the talk...

...these last two days while in an uneasy head space i forged ahead in good, powerful and lasting ways...almost in an autopilot fugue...thankful for the auto pilot...where as before i would have given up eaten a hole pizza or cake and spent money on something outlandish to bandage what i deem broken...

...but i rose above...the fog has lifted from my little harbor...i see myself clearly again...a few kind and timely words from friends...time alone...and deep thoughts...but no swerving out of control...i stuck to my diet...i managed to save money and pay some bills...and i wrote no bad checks or bought yet another pair of shoes...

...i am far from figuring it out...but closer than i was last night...you've brought water to me...making sure my bloom rebounds...you know best of what my special care allows...

Real Men-Joe Jackson

...last night i received some good news...my little brother and his wife are expecting another baby...i am filled with many mixed feelings...obviously i am foremost pleased...new life is always reason for celebration...i am filled with trepidation regarding my relationship with their current son...i haven't bonded with Jude the way i have bonded with Houston and Oliver, my other nephews...not because i haven't wanted to spend time with Jude, but because i so rarely see Jude, and when i do, it's almost like he doesn't care or recognize me...

...which leads me to a little verbalized fear all my own...as babies my nephews were easy to get along with...funny faces, stuffed animals and picture books could entertain them for hours...as they age...i am saddened...they become interested in sports, balls of any kind, wrestling...basic boy stuff...far removed from me...i worry if i will have any kind of relationship with these little boys...

...obviously they will have more of a bond with my brother Joseph...what will they have in common with me?...so part of me hopes Stanley and Katie have a girl...which leads me to my biggest fear of all regarding the nephews/nieces...what will my brothers and sisters tell their children about me...how will they broach the subject of their gay uncle James...will they repeat cycles that christians have always perpetuated...will they call me a sinner, forever staining these little angels view of me and gay people they meet throughout their lives...will i become more and more of a pariah as they age...a liability...a dirty little secret...

...it may be years before these issues have to be faced...but somewhere in the back of my mind, i am drafting my exit strategy...

The World Spins Madly On-The Weepies

...tonight at the convenience store getting smokes, diet dr. pepper and propositioned to by the clerk...in a weird would you like me to hook you up with my ex...he has no body fat...kind of way...i noticed a boy on line behind me that i recognized...i asked the pimp/clerk if he knew who that was and he answered, "yeah, that's matt"....no bells rang...he said, "he works at some sandwich shop maybe that's how you know him."....no, that's not it...i know i know him...without warning Matt was right behind me and says, "you used to hang out with Ken."...that's it...

...i treated Matt terribly in an attempt to get back at Ken...the pimp said, "you should hear the nicknames i have for James"...Matt said, "i could guess."...knives. ouch...deserved. yes...i was so high back then...and so obsessed with Ken, that i had blinders on...Matt was not the only person i have wronged...in the pursuit of "him"...

...starting the day with visions of "peace tonight" and some happiness...great night at work...made some money...paid my dues...feeling good in this skin...and bam...without warning my past comes to call...i take the punch and roll with it...only i can pull the proverbial rug out from under me...and i have been here before...the lesson is learned and the damage done, maybe Matt and I will take what we have learned about James and avoid the pain next time...

...i do not pretend to have made such an earth shattering dent in anyone, but the way he said, "i could guess." stuck in my craw...while i have been picking up all the pieces and putting this humpty dumpty back together...i still do not have all the pieces...my world spun madly on and i never knew the damage done to someone who barely even made a dent in me...my deepest apologies, Matt...

...tomorrow is another day, and who knows, maybe there'll be another mess to clean up...but i feel better knowing where the messes are...i hate that there are messes i have forgotten...but it's my duty to not make anymore chaos and face each challenge i face with grace, forgiveness, hope for my future...and peace for my past...

Woke up and wished that I was dead With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed I thought of you and where you'd gone and let the world spin madly on Everything that I said I'd do Like make the world brand new And take the time for you I just got lost and slept right through the dawn And the world spins madly on I let the day go by I always say goodbye I watch the stars from my window sill The whole world is moving and I'm standing still Woke up and wished that I was dead With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed The night is here and the day is gone And the world spins madly on I thought of you and where you'd gone And the world spins madly on.

Peace Tonight-Indigo Girls

...well, kids it's back to work tonight...back to the diet...back to reality...oy vey...things are on a general up-swing for james...so in an attempt to hold on to the momentum and to not be my own stumbling block...i thought some good ol' folk music from indigo girls would be a great jumping off point...though seven-eight hours of my day will be spent at that place i have to go to, i can let my brain keep on skankin' with the hippies and my eyes on the prize...

...so much of my time is spent in preparation for things i do not want to do...work, being the best example...however, that isn't living...that is just survival...in order to live and live well, i do have to work...but that isn't the end all...i have my music, both my own and other artists...i have my vegas plans...i have my savings accounts which represent several dreams of mine...a car, finally getting out of this god forsaken town, etc....

...so tonight...on a no news is good news, middle of mid-year day...let's make peace tonight...

Garbage Man-G Love and Special Sauce

...was out of town for a few days...went to Bozeman, Mt to see Jason Mraz and G-Love and Special Sauce play...ahh...it was lovely...

...first of all...it is just nice to get out of Great Falls. Great Falls is a backwards, dying, oppressive town...Bozeman, Missoula and even Helena and Butte are so much more forward thinking...recycling, friendly, thriving downtown areas, coffee shops with open mic nights...and the youth...these college kids so full of hope and rose-colored glass views of their future...they don't yet have bitterness and loneliness and depression clouding their heads...that kind of positive...we can and will make a difference....energy is so nice to be around...

...now i am back in Great Falls...but i am hoping to hold on to some of that light and energy and make my own world a better place for me to be in...Let the naysayers nay...the rest of us will dance...

Penny With A Hole In It-Dionne Farris

...i was sick as a dog yesterday and last night...seriously slept for 18 hours...though i am not fully better i still have to go to work tonight, because i cannot afford to not work...i know it is because of my life choices that i am where i am today...it isn't anyones fault but my own that i am "forced" to work jobs that don't have insurance and sick days...however, i think insurance/healthcare and sick days are humane and i would just like to say "tsk tsk" to any company that doesn't offer such things...i know there are financial concerns and since we are all motivated by making money small companies in reality cannot afford to offer sick days and insurance, but i work for a huge corporation...guess there is nothing i can do but to get dressed for work and hope i don't get everyone else sick and hope that my check will stretch so that i can afford my life...

Willing To Fight-Ani Difranco

...watched a very moving documentary called "11th Hour" tonight...i can't begin to go into what i learned...but i can describe the feelings i was left with...that there is always hope for the hopeless...yes this current system of big corporations and waste and consumption needs to change and be re-designed, but there are people already effecting such change...buildings with green roofs are popping up all over the place...my own father who is a staunch christian and republican recycles cans and my mother reuses water and soda bottles for drinking water for her sports teams and long trips...what i walked away from this movie with was a sense that it may be the 11th hour, but we still have an hour...without being preachy or starting a dialogue about politics or religion, it would behoove us as a nation and people to find one way that we can do something good for the place we live...the place that gives us life...our home...would you invite a toxin to stay in your guest room?...and one point that someone made in "11th Hour" was we vote either for change or sameness each time we make a purchase...in a money driven culture...that is the purest way that we can effect change...one person suggested that we make it so rewarding and enticing to encourage someone to invent the perfect way to best big oil...and so impossible for big oil to make money that in the end the transition would be seamless...i struggle every day with this...i am too american, too lazy to actually walk or ride a bike to work...i am part of the problem essentially whining about the possibility of a solution...if i had my druthers i would buy and drive and be very proud to do so...a smart car...but again i live here now...i will continue to search my soul for the answer...hopefully we all find the answer in time...

Christina-Patty Griffin

...it's funny the many different people, places or things that can serve to offer inspiration...at work i was filled with angst regarding people that think it is ok to not tip...co-workers who are more "co" than "worker"...when i got home i ate and watched monk and psych and had all but forgotten about said angst...but i was feeling kind of empty...vegetive...went to the computer to read emails and search sites like perezhilton.com and twitter.com when i remembered a project a friend was working on...i quickly looked it up and was amazed and impressed at her talent...suddenly i remembered my own worth and talent...we are creatures that are more magical creatures when we allow other people to effect change and inspiration in us...though her name is not christina...reading her words and getting this peek into her passions, led my brain to this song......