Fire On The Mountain-Marshall Tucker Band

...today was rather pedestrian...no blinding lights...no epiphany...no uncomfortable face to face with the me i once was...went to the bank...went to work...ate dinner...watched some t.v....thought about what song i would record on Thursday...played a little piano...not a red letter day, but we don't get very many of those in any given year...

...i feel like i must sound blue, but alas i feel little really...there is the usual low level hum of depression everyone feels...there are hopes and fears for the future, but they live in the midst of my present as i suspect they do for most people...i wonder, like a child on Christmas, how much my paycheck will be tomorrow...and i feel lonesome...that is the most obvious feeling as i thumb through the Rolodex of feelings at the desk in my mind...

...it is a feeling that has plagued me most...it is a feeling that i have all but made peace with...but i am uneasy with the thought of making peace with loneliness...the times in my life that i have made room in my heart for someone special i have been left with less than i started with and a huge mess to contend with...friends have their lives and loves and children, and i don't even have a dog to talk to...

...before you start playing the world's smallest violin for me...it is in a desire to pin down what it is i truly want and/or need that i speak of such things...in one breath i can be extolling the virtues of time alone and in the next lament my single status...i know love and life follow no one set of rules and regulations, and that love can be found in a man's 90's if it so fated...but for now i feel like a mutation...a single, gay, white man...making his way in the world...i am a pioneer of sorts...many have gone before me...women have been glorified in t.v. and movies for being single over 30 and fabulous...straight men have been vilified/celebrated for being playboys, bachelors and silver foxes...gay men have been long associated with endless parties...lovers in line...and friends at every turn...but alas my circle of friends is small and somewhat geographically splintered...lovers are not coming to call...and i feel like i am too old to "party endlessly"...

...so with the spirit of the pioneers i make my way into here-to-fore uncharted territory...i will make like Lewis and Clark and leave clues and signs for generations to come...i may end up on a trail of tears with none of the glory of Lewis and Clark, but the mountains are beautiful and i don't mind having the time to think...