All Right-Amy Grant

...looking out, to the hills to the setting sun...i feel a cold wind, bound to come...another change, another end i cannot see...

...this day...the beginning of a new year, a new decade...i will eat my black-eyed peas for good luck...i am bringing with me some baggage from last year, from last decade, but i am also bringing hope for better...i am starting design school this month...since Christmas is over, it's back to the budget and saving and paying off debt...wishes for Vegas, and love, and success, and new shoes abound...

...i am just glad i made it through 2009 in one piece...for many of the people in my family it was a trying and terrible year...a 20% better year, as my sister requested, would be lovely...i have destroying life, and breaking hearts down pat...from here on out i plan to encourage life and cherish hearts...

...after all these years of knockin' on heaven's door...

Nice To Meet You, Anyway-Gavin DeGraw

...i am missing my keyboard tonight...i am missing being able to work it out in the words of a new song...to pound out my frustrations in the black and white confines of 88 keys...and since the chord or the keyboard itself gave up the ghost...i must rely on the divine inspiration of my fellow singer/songwriters...i have to cull from their collective works, the one song that is my emotional reflection...

...tonight, confronted with my own humility and being in a sort of limbo...emotionally, financially...sane battles insane and my life is spoil...i walked headlong into a "well-wish" from someone i was content to never endure again...confronted by past mistakes and mis-steps...i stood there on the precipice and took a life-saving step...

...thought i'd crumble?...so did i...do i...but i just found someone special...and that's really something special...if you knew me...

the special person i found is...(groan)...me...
me without a "best friend"...a partner in figurative or literal crime...a lover...a daily phone call...a burden...another bill...a drain...i only have me to contend with...and i am finding that a difficult enough task...

...so before i give in completely to the devil in disguise...i am going to buckle down, commit and give this new relationship a fighting chance...

...i have never fully known myself...these ways i insulated myself, usually through friends/lovers, etc...i kept that still small voice drowned out and my friends were more than happy to turn up the hi-fi...blaming no one else however...they all blossomed and flourished and found "it" and sold it to the highest bidder and are reaping the benefits...but me, a misfit, withered on the vine...i think i am like one of those plants that's better root-bound and does better in a pot all by itself...but look at it's growth and luster and shine...but i just found someone special...nice to meet you, anyway...

Walkaways-Counting Crows

...i think it's because i'm tired...maybe it's because i am lonely sometimes...maybe it's because i am depressed, and wish i could articulate it...she said all of this and more without a word...sometimes it's best just to walkaway, my dear...

Inbetween Days-The Cure

...after getting off the phone from a marathon chat-fest with an old friend...well he's younger than i am, but you get my drift...i watched a little t.v. and surfed the net and enjoyed the silence and then tried to drift off to sleep...but the silence kept me up...

...i began to think back on my day and my mind wondered to tomorrow...the 27th is Brenda's...and Gwen's...and Jason's birthdays...the 29th is Dallas'...oh snap...New Year's Eve...which led me into some fantasy about finally being thin...for once in my life...oh the twisted roads we take in our minds sometimes...

...but that thought goaded me out of bed and provoked me greatly...yesterday i got so old...we are guaranteed nothing...not a tomorrow nor to remember our past...we only have today...what a liberating and invigorating thought...scary as that is...

...so take this weight off of me...literally and figuratively...the past is done and i cannot change a single thing...i remember sitting in my room, Gwen and I, talking about how we loved that Eddie Money song, "I Wanna Go Back"...but that would be too dire and hopeless...the future is full of chances for failure as well as successes, variables out of my control as well as devices of my own making...again, too harsh a spell to cast...today...right now...is all i have...if i want to envision a better tomorrow and have a few lovely stories to tell i need to live today the way i need to...

...so to Brenda, Gwen, Jason and Dallas too...happy birthday...today is your day, but i'm coming along for the ride, because it's my day too, dammit...

Life In A Northern Town-Dream Acadamy

...survived Christmas...enjoyed it mostly...there were little earthquakes...good year for hunters and Christmas parties...but it was fun...

...watching the kids open gifts was one of the best parts...such excitement...and the food...so much food...i am stuffed and regretting most of what i ate...not because of heartburn or bad taste...simply that i hope my clothes fit me tomorrow...

...now that the Christmas season is over...and we have New Years Eve/Day looming large...i am reminded that this week-for me at least-has always been a sort of limbo...looking forward/looking back...nostalgia and hope for the future co-exist for one solid week, every year...

...never been one for New Year's resolutions...but i do have plans...hopes...dreams...i plan to go back to Vegas...i plan to start school...i hope i can lose some weight...i hope i get some bills paid off and a better job...i dream that i finish my music project and something good comes from that...yes, all of those plans, hopes and dreams revolve around me and my happiness...i think that after all the goodwill and shopping, with others in mind, meeting the looming-largeness of the New Year always seems to send me into this self-comfort cycle...forgiving myself for wasted time and planning to do something positive with the time i have left...letting go of what i can't get back and reminding myself of the good i have done and that saving money and affording quality takes quantities of time...bandaging the parts broken along with each of my broken dreams and inventing new versions of those broken...

...so tomorrow it's back to work...back to reality...back to life in this snowed-in northern town...looking forward to New Year's Day...looking forward to tax-returns...and the first beautiful life-affirming signs of Spring...

All Alone On Christmas-Darlene Love

...tradition...for as long as i can remember...we have gathered around the tree on Christmas Eve...after people go to church and before they go out looking at Christmas lights...we gather and each open up one gift...a tradition that began as little kids...unable to wait until Christmas morning we were allowed to open one gift...

...now thirty-some years later our family continues the tradition with the little one's in tow now...it is like a little taste of what madness there will be tomorrow...such fun...i made a huge spread...buffet style...pizza, cookies, punch, lil' smokies, cheesecake and cheese and crackers...basically junk food and gifts with the family...how could anyone say no to that?...good thing we all love each other so much, eh?

...reminding every one...if you are lucky enough to have all of your family under one roof to enjoy it...and if any one is away i am sending you love and wishes of "Baby, please come home...."

Toast-Tori Amos

...thinking of those who have passed this year...from our beloved Michael Jackson to my dear friend Alan...the decade has flown by...so much has changed and this year is the proverbial nail in the coffin of the 00's...i recall when the 80's ended...People Magazine retrospective collector's editions...Mention in George Michael's "Waiting On That Day"...now every body's talkin' about this new decade...like you say the magic number and just say goodbye to the stupid mistakes you've made..." Mention in Jesus Jones' "Right Here, Right Now"..."i saw the decade in, when it seemed the world could change in the blink of an eye..." Mentioned in the late 80's classic by Escape Club "Wild Wild West"..."headin' for the 90's, living in the wild wild west..." as well.

...a similar sense of "anything could happen" when the 90's became the 00's...for one the Century turned...then there was the Y2K nonsense to contend with as well...fast forward to 2009...as of yet we Americans have not figured out what to collectively call the decade...some opt for Aughts, some the "O's"...i generally say the two thousands...seems i had forgotten the decade was changing..."i saw the decade in, when it seemed the world could change in the blink of an eye..." Deep.

...so to Alan and other friends and family members who have passed in the last 20 years or so...to those famous or infamous that have inspired me who have gone too soon...i raise a glass, make a toast, a toast in your honor...i hear you laugh and beg me not to dance...'cause on your right...standing by... is Mr. Bojangles with a toast...is telling me it's time to let you go...

...i have wasted the better part of this decade on frivolous pursuits...so even in the passing i am still inspired...inspired to make this next decade (the "Teens?") a more creative, more positive and more memorable decade...i raise a glass...